Almost Fearless

“Will the Baby Be Crazy Like Stella?”

Ultrasound! Baby Gender! Well, this makes it feel real. I saw the baby floating around in there, kicking like mad, which always amazes me because I can feel it but never to the extent of what gets revealed during the ultrasound. This little one was having a party in there.


Before the ultrasound we had a big talk with the kids about how we’d all be very happy even if it’s not a boy (Cole) or not a girl (Stella). We practiced saying it. Stella was like, “I am okay if it’s a boy. But it’s not a boy, it’s a girl. We already have a boy.”

Well that’s settled then.

So I sit down, the guy looks at the baby for a second and says, “It’s a girl.”

and then…

“Wait… you wanted to know right?”

Well yes, you are lucky! Also yay! A girl!

Stella cheered and Cole asked Drew, “So does this mean that the baby is going to be crazy like Stella?”


I got kind of quiet and just watched the doctor’s face as he made her measurements. There’s a point in every ultrasound when the technician stops talking, stops pointing out things, like “that’s her arm, there’s her mouth” and begins to concentrate. It always freaks me out. After a long period of silent work, he announced, “Well, the baby looks healthy, everything is okay, there’s no abnormalities, the cord is not wrapped around the baby’s neck, and everything looks good — the stomach, brain, heart, spine, all good.”

No zika! No twins! No birth defects! Honestly, that is all I cared about. Please universe, give me a singleton pregnancy without complications, amen.

So then we went shopping and Stella picked this out for her sister:
FullSizeRenderAnd Cole figured out, “So I don’t have to play with Stella anymore, right?” And I said, “well I guess she could play with her new sister,” and he seemed excited and crestfallen all at once. Man, growing up is hard. Being a kid is tough. All these big oceans of feelings, just sweeping through your body. It seems particularly poorly planned to have the most emotionally dramatic time of your life coincide with your earliest years.


I want to swoop up both of my babies and protect them because I know everything will change. I love us right now. I am nervous about hurt feelings and managing all these new dynamics. Stella falls asleep with me every night. I am trying to transition her to her bed, but as the pregnancy continues she seems even more intent on staying close to me. Cole seems to be doing well, but I have to make a point of seeking him out, he’s so self-contained, and having our private talks every day. I keep reminding myself that I’ll have a lot to juggle with the new baby and I can’t let my attention to Cole waiver just because he’s such an easy kid.

This is our last summer together, the four of us, and I want to make the best possible memories. The original team Gilbert. Cole is getting a hatchet for chopping down kindling and starting fires (he calls them “Minecraft axes”… we were in that section of the store and he also found “Minecraft shovels” — like, look at all this “Minecraft stuff, mom!”). We did have to talk him down from the idea that we’d make iron ore and cast our own swords. “Yeah, that sounds cool, but I think we’d have to invest in a furnace and there’s probably not enough room in the van for that…” Stella is just so very keen on fishing, it’s not even funny. She won a plastic fishing rod at the carnival and has been practicing. These kids. So much love. And now comes number 3… a girl.

Christine Gilbert

I’ve been dragging my husband around the world since 2008 always with the promise that, “Yes, Drew there will definitely be hammocks there.”


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